Our family is broken

Some times you have no control over life. 

That bites.  Big time.

Chabrise made some choices in her life, involving a cell phone, internet access and worldly things.  Because of these choices, our family has been broken apart.  We tried all sorts of things.  She went to her dad's house (twice).  She went to Vantage Point (3 times).  She went to Juvenile Detention (3 times).  She went to O&A (Observation and Analysis).  She is now in a Foster Home.  You may think I am a bad person for telling part of her story.  I am only sharing this part of it, so you can understand why I am struggling so badly lately and hopefully to help any of my friends notice the signs way earlier than I did and prevent any other family from going through the same thing.  No one can judge me worse that I am judging myself right now.  I realize that Chabrise made her own choice by her free agency, but I have a lot of would haves, should haves and could haves.  I have to see that this is better for the other kids, and safer too.  Who has to chose between their kids?

 Chabrise had some friends who were signing up for "dating sites" through their cell phones.  I thought I had it covered.  I had parental control, monitoring minutes, checking her phone at the end of every night (I missed a lot of nights).  But she was able to go through the "store" option on her cell phone and sign up for chat.  This did not register on the bill, use minutes or anything like that.  Cell phones were not allowed to be in rooms at night.  She just waited until we went to bed, then got up and got it and put it back, before we got up and going (or pretend like she just picked it up).  Her dad even purchased her a cell phone, because she told him that we wouldn't let her have one anymore (without consulting me).  She played us against each other, to have these conversations with people from all over the country.  Believe me, this was gradual.  It probably started out when she was about 14 and came to head right at her 16th Birthday.  Many other things came about too, but I can trace it all back to the cell phone.  I have no idea how to tell the parents of the girls that introduced her to these "chat" rooms on their cells.  I have no idea if they have gotten in as deep as Chabrise did. 

Many other things were going on in our lives at that time too.  It's been a very difficult 2 1/2 years.  We have had many hardships, but probably just as many blessings too.  We had a rough pregnancy, NICU twins, RSV 2 years in a row, 2 hospital stays for 1 of the twins, post partum that turned into major depression, major depression and anxiety, homelessness, a major friend betrayal (you wouldn't think it would matter, but it has deeply impacted my life), a major family betrayal,  3 surgeries for me, 1 for Ben, a cancer scare (one of the surgeries), DCFS reviews, court hearings and many, many, many blessings.

I know I am blessed.  I am alive.  I have my little family.  I have access to Chabrise again.  I can feel things again.  I wondered at the time, if I should have just given up.  I didn't.  I couldn't.  I want to say I wouldn't, but I no longer know that for sure.  I thought about it.  I thought about it alot.  But He didn't give up on me.

I now know that I need to do some things just for me.  I need to find that happy place again.  I pray that I will find it soon.  And this is one of the ways I know, to help get the junk out of my system.  Read more, or don't.  This is for me.  And hopefully I can find some friends along the way, that help me and I, hopefully, can help them too.

I will be making the most of it, with what I have!!!